Red Rose

The red from a bottle
Slowly grows out
And the bend of your back
Nearer the floor
 The laughter still keeps
Running through my head
As your gentle sweet mind
Slips away
No more stories of
The blue dress and high heels
Or recipes of cornbread
And dumplings
But your desperate searching
Through boxes and trays
Of your old jewellery
Looking to find what cannot be found
Replacing the immaculate style
And your old Avon lipstick
I will remember for us both, Granny.
I'll remember for us both, Lennie Rose.

Lost Psalm

The truth is, Lord
I need you
I'm lost
when I don't see your way
No grounding
When I have no
weight to my reasons
When I see there is no hope
Without a purpose
Without a reason for
My own design
I'm unwinding
I'm unknown
I'm the most unknowing
But maybe the peace
Of knowing You
May satisfy
That no one is in control
No one has the answers
But You
Find me
And bring me back
To You

Sitting in a library years later travelling toward i don't know what but some kind of caring for a living its a strange living, or i don't know the best word for strange there are baristas bringing coffee to tables priests having a muffin together and planning their day the librarian hands out computer pass i research and write an assignment on active third stage managagement but at 1524 yesterday i was handed a 36/40 from a cat 1 CS whose mother had noticed baby not moving as much as normal in the past two days the CTG was non reassuring. awful infact the emergency USS was where the code was called and the little exanguinated baby was pulled from its mothers womb within 15 mins and resusitated with blood and IPPV and this is my job. its strange hey. I'm crying on and off today whenever i think about it. not really a job. i don't know what it is. some kind of living. anyway Annie, i guess we come here to grieve, sometimes for lives we don't even know. so, I'm here.

Mundane

There is no poetry in the mundane and out of sleep awake asleep just a moment of reconciliation that all childhood dreams are gone and nothing but the rules of survival remain all the beauty days gone and nothing remains but the song and a clinical diagnosis of depression. And yet the days go on. And life goes on. And sadness slips away, like everything else every now and awhile. And smiles come and go. And there is healing. But the rawness never completely goes.

Maker/Taker

My heart aches for you

And it isn't going away

You'll be the saddest sad

And the happiest happy

In my life forever

Your first breath

Would have taken mine

Away forever

And I would have given you

My everything forever

But I know I'll never hear

Your heart beat again.

And the faith I had

Is melted into

A puddle of disbelief

In that truth that

Can never be understood

That faith can't protect me

Or the little one

I only held once

from the bitterness of loss

And the confusion

Of a Maker who Makes

But also Takes.

x

Happy (fucking) mother's day...

There is no name
For a childless mother
A woman whose
Child never was
What do we call her?
The open arms
The empty arms
The open heart
The bleeding heart
Hemorrhaged brain
The wound
That never will heal
The childless mother
One who loves
Ripped from her body
Without control
The one whose
Body healed
But will never be
And the soul that bleeds
continuously for
The loss of child
The child that never was
The childless mother
Whose dreams never
come to bear
Whose body revolts
The revolutionary evolution
Of the beauty and of death
But never life
What do we call
The childless mother
The womb widow
The loss too lost
The empty emptiness
Of the deepest deep

Dreams....

I spent my childhood
Escaping from the bullying
In books and​ thoughts
And woods and bound in caves
And up trees
And dreaming of these days
I'd one day spend my time...
Friendless and lost
And nothing ever lasting
But making lists
Of everything that seemed
To give me peace and
Took me places
Where only joy and
Adventure could be
Through University
I spent every moment
Of disdain on the sixth floor
Of the library
Listing out the places
The things
Accomplishments
Places I'd be one day
With every call number read,
I'd count down...
To a place where freedom
From the blinds and binds
Would ever be me
...
...
...
But one day
I grew up
And realize the life I have
It's the life I have
And dreaming
While the death
And the pain
Underground
Nothing ever changes from
And in the cages
And the caverns
On the verge of deepness
I realize my own dreaming
Has lead me here
But now I must live
The choices that
I've made and dream
The dreams already dreamed.

Ceiling Fan

Sometimes
I stare at the ceiling
And the ceiling fan
goes round
And around
Thoughts about
My life
The way life is
Temporary
Every single thing is
temporary.
Around the end of spring
Comes​ summer
And the ceiling fan
Goes around again
Forever is something
For the gods
Nothing
maintained
Just elongating
The cycle
And tears run hot and
down into my ears
Muting the world's temporary curse
Slow it down
Sometimes I stare
At the damn ceiling fan
Like
After I lost my child
When I can't sleep
At night
While I slowly lose my dad
Completely helpless
Or when you are in my arms
And I don't want to wake you
While I contemplate
My life in lines of poetry
And the things
I love
And want to keep

Lost

Every life is a tragedy
Beginnings and endings
Lost and found
And lost again
It's the moment
You are found
That finding is
But lost forever
Any moment after
Walk slowly from
That place
And mark the steps
You follow
Never knowing
Where you'll be tomorrow

long cold winter

It was a long cold winter
Without you babe
I was to be with child
Growing in body and in love,
Anticipation
But September took you away
And
October, November, December
Felt like a maze of
Purposeless actions
Of everything from my childhood
Of hope and happiness
Fell away
And nothing remained but my broken body
And every darkness and frailty the world and my heart can give, became
Commonplace
January, February, March
Cold and useless
And it's out of control
Baby announcements came
And fat babies graced everyone around me but not me
September lost you with the leaves
And April hangs over me now
A day till this month with so much promise could've​ been
The birth of the only hope my womb ever gave me
But you were gone in September
And I'm still here
Unsure of how to go on and
Regain hope and faith
It was a long cold winter
Without you babe
But springtime
Is just as cold
Without you.

Sometimes I weep at night. That I am 34 and single so how must I feel about the huge things ? Marriage and children and dying alone. If you're asking to confirm your suspicions?' Do I feel like a leaf on the breeze? Is that what you wanted to know The bare bones of me? When you ask me these questions In daylight In crowds Repeatedly Do you know the flames peel the skin back from my muscles? Just so you can know, I cry alone at midnight. (Like we all do)

#55

My whole life hurts Every detail of it singes Place, people All speech All platitude All work Friendships All relationships Each thought Ectopic stings of existence Lub reminds me Dub of all i lack Widespread Disasters Throughout my lungs Breath in its possible Breath out it is not Daydreams Unattended by reality Prayers unattended by my God

You might give
Everything you give
And nothing you take back
You give me anyway and all
For one reason or another
My imperfection is wide
And my inabilities and insecurity
Even Deeper

My heart makes no sense
But it is the only sense I have
My Life
My love
My word.

I love you
So imperfectly
And so completely
And my heart is full

All the beauty
And the dust
And the fodder
And the drunken rust

I'm sorry
My all
Is not all
Or even basic good
Or shifty soft love that means only surface
You've got the deepest and the lost and the shortest list and longest way

Me
You've got me
And my apologies.

Sometimes this universe
Can't let happiness be
And all I have in me
Is emptied
And then I'm turned up side down
And shaken
To make sure
Every inch of happiness is gone

You lose something
And then everyone around you
Gets it
Gets exactly what you wanted
And takes it
And
I'm left with nothing
But a dream of almost having.
That's a horrible dream
That's a nightmare

Unfinished

I don't think I'm strong enough

To do the things you have to do

To get the things you want

It doesn't come easy for me

It never, ever does

I try and be a mom

But lose my baby

Before I can even call

Myself a mother

Unused

Unfinished

Undeniably lost

I'm not ready

I never will be

I never am