long cold winter

It was a long cold winter
Without you babe
I was to be with child
Growing in body and in love,
Anticipation
But September took you away
And
October, November, December
Felt like a maze of
Purposeless actions
Of everything from my childhood
Of hope and happiness
Fell away
And nothing remained but my broken body
And every darkness and frailty the world and my heart can give, became
Commonplace
January, February, March
Cold and useless
And it's out of control
Baby announcements came
And fat babies graced everyone around me but not me
September lost you with the leaves
And April hangs over me now
A day till this month with so much promise could've​ been
The birth of the only hope my womb ever gave me
But you were gone in September
And I'm still here
Unsure of how to go on and
Regain hope and faith
It was a long cold winter
Without you babe
But springtime
Is just as cold
Without you.

Sometimes I weep at night. That I am 34 and single so how must I feel about the huge things ? Marriage and children and dying alone. If you're asking to confirm your suspicions?' Do I feel like a leaf on the breeze? Is that what you wanted to know The bare bones of me? When you ask me these questions In daylight In crowds Repeatedly Do you know the flames peel the skin back from my muscles? Just so you can know, I cry alone at midnight. (Like we all do)

#55

My whole life hurts Every detail of it singes Place, people All speech All platitude All work Friendships All relationships Each thought Ectopic stings of existence Lub reminds me Dub of all i lack Widespread Disasters Throughout my lungs Breath in its possible Breath out it is not Daydreams Unattended by reality Prayers unattended by my God